But this zombie was almost completely helpless. All I could do were eating, sleeping, singing + playing piano and watching TV with maximum time 2 hours. I couldn't read or write 'cause my eye could get exhausted (even the eye movement needed energy!).
With a very weak physical body, I must leave many of my physical habits, like running and other body exercises. Not just my habits and agendas, my academic world was also abandoned for a long time.
In that moment, I found my first clue from the Owner of the Labyrinth, a shocking one, that "I'm not yet ready to die." This remark, which I wouldn't explain the reason of it's bitterness, lead to another bitter clues, bitter truths.
There're laws of nature that I can't change, and that to change the world doesn't mean to change the nature of the universe.
Some fundamental questions in my mind finaly met the solutions, but at the same time my inner values were threatened.
This situation reminds me to the ending song of "Scratches: Director's Cut" game, the one I mentioned in "Ledakan Realita.1 | beyond the game". I found that the more correct expression of the song was not "It seems that the mystery that can never be figured out", but "I wish I couldn't figure out the mystery," as some little part in my self said.
It's not just about sadness and repressed anger, but it's more like the waste of everything, meaningless effort to find something that wasn't meant to be found - like pandora's box.
And talking about pandora's box, I think the "Uya emang Kuya" show in hypnosis part explains this better. Some people are really stupid to let their secrets spilled from their own mouth. Most are dark ones, but they revealed it shamelessly. Well, the irony is fun, anyway: yang bodoh bertingkah, yang pintar bisa tertawa, haha! They showed the contents of their pandora's boxes - dissapointing their relations with their bitter truth - and making fun of it!
But I believe however, that there's no such kind of pandora's box. If something wasn't meant to be found, then it must have been DESTROYED after all! Everything lost is meant to be found, and anyone seeks it must find it at last. No matter how confusing, how shocking, how dreadful, how hideous, how horrible, the truth is the truth. It's the 'philosopher's stone' for me.
And why do you think that truth sometimes can be bitter? I thought I got the answer: 'cause human is no angel. Human, the main actor in the universe, can do wrong. Thus the degree of bitterness of the truth goes pararel with the nature of the deeds the human have done: can be confusing, shocking, dreadful, hideous, even horrible. Of course, the truth can be sweet just as pararel as the human sweet deeds.
If truth was a bitter medicine, then human needed something that cover the taste. It can be a sugar coating, the sweetener, or a neutral-tasted capsul.
Thus, truth sometimes can be bitter, but lie can always be sweet.
Yet that's not what I experienced before this time. I'd been shown by the Owner of the Labyrinth that the truths were always sweet. I had always ended up happy in the peak of truth revealing. But now I think I'm growing up that I'm being accustomed to find that some of my treasure chests are pandora's box-like. I must accept some values I've once rejected. Accepting values is the heart's work, the underdeveloped part of my entity - that's what makes it hard.
Well, if I decide to focus on the truth seeking, then I must renounce my comfort zone. I've got to rise my level. Beyond the chaotic state of the heart, I must keep my head in order state. Despite the changing shape of the sand dunes of the world, I must keep my soul solid, my eyes undetered, and have my physical body well-armed.
In the end of the Scratches: Director's Cut ending song, the semantics could be, "Yah, sudahlah, mau bagaimana lagi?" - a sense of being forced to swallow an extremely bitter pil in order to heal. But I'll add a sentence from the Lone Dinosaur (The Land Before Time VI) to add some dose of optimism (at least it can inspire my heart to be strong):
"Change what you can, accept what you can't."
