Dear God | my anxiety

Dear God,

Thanks for all the miracles You give me the last 4 years. Shall I mention it? I guess so. Well, somehow the ones I remember most are the miracles about Uncle Snowy, so here they are:

. Semar-knight connection
. Those joker cards in such places
. The personality type of the men in the games
. Gambler-snowy adventure clues (tons of them!)
. Circus clowns & magicians clues

And there're more miracles, as outstanding as like the aboves:

. Today You sent me Ar, who's got more or less same problem with mine: daydreaming - although she's unlikely a 5 (9ish). My God, I'll try to interpret it as positive as possible: You want me to learn from her mistakes, so I wont experience the same in the future (inspite of You didn't send her to me to give a sign that I'll experience just the same with her). But I also got Your message that You're the Most Tolerant - a trait that I barely recognize - seen from how You give her lots of chances: 2 delays, plus the anomality of the time stretch that one rarely gets.

. The sun's still shining, the earth's still standing tough to support my postponed assignments. There're no riots or chaos whatsoever to enrage more of my inner turbulence.

. This laptop is still working despite my reluctant to use it in supposed way.

. You still gives me flood of clues/treasures/apples through many ways, whether it's movies, songs, books, etc.

Now that I've seen more clearly the miracles You've given to me, I know You're capable to give me even more miraculous miracles to overcome this anxiety.

You know my God? I think now there's an advantage not to be a master, that is, I can give up my direction to something higher, like You, so I wont be necessary to generate a hard effort for anything. It wont be myself to blame, but that 'higher' something - my uplevel master.

I don't know how much actually You give humans the degree of free will. Even I start to doubt it now, for I found there's a possibility that it's ONLY YOU who posseses it, as all the universe, including the humans, is just in Your 'mind'. It could be You who controls us all, like I control Uncle Snowy.

Of course, if I were You, how come I can be such anxious about what other people might consider a little thing? Well, my theory is, it's just an illusion. You put before every creature, an illusion that makes us think we're not You or part of You.

Why? Why are You just giving me this anxiety if I wasn't meant to be anxious?? There're lots of things I do not understand, my God, and I don't know either I'm meant to understand or not but my intuition said I'm meant to. As I've come to understand that there might be some kind of illusion, now I want to understand the solution as well. Please God, how to uplift the veil from the truth of my strength?

And why on earth You give me things I don't like?? Why do You often hide the good behind the bad and vice versa? Well, I know, I know.. that I already knew an answer which You've already approved infact: You love to play hide and seek. And I also realize that I love it too. But I never knew that this game can sometimes hurt.

So now, I guess I'll ask You the things I really-really need to get through the game.

Please give me courage if You don't want to give me insensitivity.
Give me strength if You don't want to give me senso-neural immunity.
Give me adversity if You don't always want to give me things that I love.
Give me thrill in fight if You don't intend to give me excitement in flight.

And most of all, give me the penetrating eyes to see through Your persistent illusions.

With lots of pleads,

[little blue riding hood]

Ledakan Realita .1 | beyond the game

16.43 WF, my environment's releasing the same frequency as those of the paragraph below.

"One rainy afternoon. Sometimes lightning strikes the sky. The pouring water doesn't let another noise be attended. I'm alone in an abandoned Victorian house, investigating. I can't help a sad, mysterious background song playing on and on in my head, following me through my truth searching. Any slightest sound can easily make me feel the chilling sensation along my spine. The house generates dark atmosphere - the electricity doesn't work, only afternoon gloomy light slips through the arched-dusty windows after filtered by the grey-reddish clouds. My steps sound very crisp and clear among the old woods. I shall never let my consciousness leave me."

That's the sensation I got when playing a mystery detective game called "Scratches: Director's Cut". The eeriest game I have ever played. The visual elements are magnificent: the haunted house, the paths.. but what I really appreciate is the integration of the colors. I especially love the color of the cloud, reddish grey. But it's rather connected with my memory than the objective judgment of the visual art. I soon got entangled with the 'place'. I really want to be there, to breath the cold air, to rise my head to the sheltering sky, to feel the drizzle, the dry leaves under my boots, the calm surroundings, and most of all, the hidden secrets calling to be found, the mystery waiting to be solved. Ouh yeah... I can see my hands hold on each other and my beige trench coat waving in response to the challenge of the wind.

And there's another part of the game which is just as genius as the graphic interface - the background songs. They express one common semantics of longing, sadness, loneliness.. a sense when there's nothing but dead end, emptiness, when an important enigma seems can never be figured out. Combined with the 'environment', the total atmosphere created is perfect: silent threat, suppressed scream of the truth, concentrated hidden rage, theme of the tired souls struggling for freedom.

But somehow, in my case, it also produces another effect. It's relieving - as if my heart was filled by fresh water! Back to the paragraph when I pretend my self experiencing being the player. I'll call it as fun! The whole situation - the rain, the cloud, the wind, the house, the graveled paths, the woods behind the house, the muddy fountain, the pine trees, the mystery, me being alone - would be a good treat. The calm surroundings and the rhythm of the rain resonate with my meditating frequency, as if pressing pause button to the world, and yet the hidden secrets give compliment to my adrenaline. Complete excitement!

And one day, the real wind passed me as if bringing me news. It only happened for some seconds, but enough to make my heart beat far faster. Suddenly I felt the "Scratches game" atmosphere (I didn't think about it before!). Everything around me seemed whirling as if I was thrown into another place - strange and familiar at the same time. I experienced the 'dead-end' semantics, also the mystery solving urgency. Fear and excitement clashed in one intersection, resulted in massive confusion, just like the critical situation when the self trying hard to choose between 'fight' or 'flight' within the last seconds available. Out of the overwhelmed spirit, I decided to push my pause button, let the wind finish it's task. Then I tried to decipher those 'sensational' codes from the Owner of the Labyrinth: "There's a big difference between observing and experiencing. So, do you really want it?"

I'm in my 5th Labyrinth. My tendency to interpret anything as mainly negative has been gradually descending. I took the Creator's words as neutral ones. Simply "Do you really want it?", without any intention to take me down.

With this key, I soon found the core treasure:

"If you really want it, prepare yourself well because it shall come. But if you eventually don't want it, don't waste your time 'inviting' it!"

I contemplated, I decided: "I want it!". But imagining my self really plunge into the situation made me think that one practical yet formidable weapon could come in handy. So next time, I'll investigate with a well-loaded revolver ready in my hand.

Searching for Amaranthus gangeticus?

. . .

Caress the one

The never-fading rain in your heart

The tears of snow-white sorrow

Caress the one, the hiding Amaranth

In a land of the daybreak

Reaching, searching for something untouched

Hearing voices of the never-fading calling

. . .

-Amaranth, by Nightwish

A Rose and an Amaranth blossomed side by side in a garden,

and the Amaranth said to her neighbour,

"How I envy you your beauty and your sweet scent!

No wonder you are such a universal favourite."

But the Rose replied with a shade of sadness in her voice,

"Ah, my dear friend, I bloom but for a time:

my petals soon wither and fall, and then I die.

But your flowers never fade, even if they are cut;

for they are everlasting."

-Aesop

I’ve been gathering my puzzles, but until this time, the vision of mine’s still covered with thick mists. All I see is just the siluet. What is the three-dimensional shape of my future life?

Roses are abundant all my way through the labyrinth. They’re distracting, deceiving, yet some are worth as temporary shelters when trivial storms come. But ‘temporary’ will always be ‘temporary’. I must find other elixir which can defeat the time: the Amaranth. Now, in this juncture of my 5^th Labyrinth, my heart can see it, but my eyes can’t – not yet.

What are you?

Where are you?

Mais, mes respectable visiteurs, don’t get me wrong, all the above words are just expressions, not complaints. I’m a kind of person that’ll never be exhausted en jouer a la cache-cache (playing hide and seek). Spending my life searching for answers, I never fail – never (at least referring to my experience on earth for 21 years). I believe this happen to every seekers as well. It’s just about context of time which I depend on the Owner of the Labyrinth who knows what’s best for us the hunters.

Alors mon Amaranth, nous continuons notre jouer a la cache-cache? B-)

NB:

Talking about playing hide and seek, it’s curious that I have never taken the role of hiding. Searching-finding-searching-finding, not searching-finding-hiding-found-searching…

Mais bien sure! C’est vraiment simple, evidement! Le solution est existe dans une histoire de l’éléphant et de la fourmi, plus un concept de le contexte. Voilà tout.