Ledakan Realita .2 | bitter truths

This was the worst Ramadhan in my life: I've got a chainful sickness. One disease after another. Started from just a flu, then flu + hipotension, then flu + hipotension + air sickness = vertigo. Then after the vertigo, unknown disease which later known as hypotiroid: a sense of dizziness, like the blood couldn't reach the brain, the fatigue of the eyes, I couldn't walk as fast as my usual velocity (which is fairly fast with long steps), I could even hardly move my head from side to side, I couldn't think of anything which using 100% reason. For at least one month, I became a zombie - the fiction creature I've been cursing all my life.

But this zombie was almost completely helpless. All I could do were eating, sleeping, singing + playing piano and watching TV with maximum time 2 hours. I couldn't read or write 'cause my eye could get exhausted (even the eye movement needed energy!).

With a very weak physical body, I must leave many of my physical habits, like running and other body exercises. Not just my habits and agendas, my academic world was also abandoned for a long time.

In that moment, I found my first clue from the Owner of the Labyrinth, a shocking one, that "I'm not yet ready to die."  This remark, which I wouldn't explain the reason of it's bitterness, lead to another bitter clues, bitter truths.

There're laws of nature that I can't change, and that to change the world doesn't mean to change the nature of the universe.

Some fundamental questions in my mind finaly met the solutions, but at the same time my inner values were threatened.

This situation reminds me to the ending song of "Scratches: Director's Cut" game, the one I mentioned in "Ledakan Realita.1 | beyond the game". I found that the more correct expression of the song was not "It seems that the mystery that can never be figured out", but "I wish I couldn't figure out the mystery," as some little part in my self said.

It's not just about sadness and repressed anger, but it's more like the waste of everything, meaningless effort to find something that wasn't meant to be found - like pandora's box.

And talking about pandora's box, I think the "Uya emang Kuya" show in hypnosis part explains this better. Some people are really stupid to let their secrets spilled from their own mouth. Most are dark ones, but they revealed it shamelessly. Well, the irony is fun, anyway: yang bodoh bertingkah, yang pintar bisa tertawa, haha! They showed the contents of their pandora's boxes - dissapointing their relations with their bitter truth - and making fun of it!

But I believe however, that there's no such kind of pandora's box. If something wasn't meant to be found, then it must have been DESTROYED after all! Everything lost is meant to be found, and anyone seeks it must find it at last. No matter how confusing, how shocking, how dreadful, how hideous, how horrible, the truth is the truth. It's the 'philosopher's stone' for me.

And why do you think that truth sometimes can be bitter? I thought I got the answer: 'cause human is no angel. Human, the main actor in the universe, can do wrong. Thus the degree of bitterness of the truth goes pararel with the nature of the deeds the human have done: can be confusing, shocking, dreadful, hideous, even horrible. Of course, the truth can be sweet just as pararel as the human sweet deeds.

If truth was a bitter medicine, then human needed something that cover the taste. It can be a sugar coating, the sweetener, or a neutral-tasted capsul.

Thus, truth sometimes can be bitter, but lie can always be sweet.

Yet that's not what I experienced before this time. I'd been shown by the Owner of the Labyrinth that the truths were always sweet. I had always ended up happy in the peak of truth revealing. But now I think I'm growing up that I'm being accustomed to find that some of my treasure chests are pandora's box-like. I must accept some values I've once rejected. Accepting values is the heart's work, the underdeveloped part of my entity - that's what makes it hard.

Well, if I decide to focus on the truth seeking, then I must renounce my comfort zone. I've got to rise my level. Beyond the chaotic state of the heart, I must keep my head in order state. Despite the changing shape of the sand dunes of the world, I must keep my soul solid, my eyes undetered, and have my physical body well-armed.

In the end of the Scratches: Director's Cut ending song, the semantics could be, "Yah, sudahlah, mau bagaimana lagi?" - a sense of being forced to swallow an extremely bitter pil in order to heal. But I'll add a sentence from the Lone Dinosaur (The Land Before Time VI) to add some dose of optimism (at least it can inspire my heart to be strong):

"Change what you can, accept what you can't."

Ledakan Realita .1 | beyond the game

16.43 WF, my environment's releasing the same frequency as those of the paragraph below.

"One rainy afternoon. Sometimes lightning strikes the sky. The pouring water doesn't let another noise be attended. I'm alone in an abandoned Victorian house, investigating. I can't help a sad, mysterious background song playing on and on in my head, following me through my truth searching. Any slightest sound can easily make me feel the chilling sensation along my spine. The house generates dark atmosphere - the electricity doesn't work, only afternoon gloomy light slips through the arched-dusty windows after filtered by the grey-reddish clouds. My steps sound very crisp and clear among the old woods. I shall never let my consciousness leave me."

That's the sensation I got when playing a mystery detective game called "Scratches: Director's Cut". The eeriest game I have ever played. The visual elements are magnificent: the haunted house, the paths.. but what I really appreciate is the integration of the colors. I especially love the color of the cloud, reddish grey. But it's rather connected with my memory than the objective judgment of the visual art. I soon got entangled with the 'place'. I really want to be there, to breath the cold air, to rise my head to the sheltering sky, to feel the drizzle, the dry leaves under my boots, the calm surroundings, and most of all, the hidden secrets calling to be found, the mystery waiting to be solved. Ouh yeah... I can see my hands hold on each other and my beige trench coat waving in response to the challenge of the wind.

And there's another part of the game which is just as genius as the graphic interface - the background songs. They express one common semantics of longing, sadness, loneliness.. a sense when there's nothing but dead end, emptiness, when an important enigma seems can never be figured out. Combined with the 'environment', the total atmosphere created is perfect: silent threat, suppressed scream of the truth, concentrated hidden rage, theme of the tired souls struggling for freedom.

But somehow, in my case, it also produces another effect. It's relieving - as if my heart was filled by fresh water! Back to the paragraph when I pretend my self experiencing being the player. I'll call it as fun! The whole situation - the rain, the cloud, the wind, the house, the graveled paths, the woods behind the house, the muddy fountain, the pine trees, the mystery, me being alone - would be a good treat. The calm surroundings and the rhythm of the rain resonate with my meditating frequency, as if pressing pause button to the world, and yet the hidden secrets give compliment to my adrenaline. Complete excitement!

And one day, the real wind passed me as if bringing me news. It only happened for some seconds, but enough to make my heart beat far faster. Suddenly I felt the "Scratches game" atmosphere (I didn't think about it before!). Everything around me seemed whirling as if I was thrown into another place - strange and familiar at the same time. I experienced the 'dead-end' semantics, also the mystery solving urgency. Fear and excitement clashed in one intersection, resulted in massive confusion, just like the critical situation when the self trying hard to choose between 'fight' or 'flight' within the last seconds available. Out of the overwhelmed spirit, I decided to push my pause button, let the wind finish it's task. Then I tried to decipher those 'sensational' codes from the Owner of the Labyrinth: "There's a big difference between observing and experiencing. So, do you really want it?"

I'm in my 5th Labyrinth. My tendency to interpret anything as mainly negative has been gradually descending. I took the Creator's words as neutral ones. Simply "Do you really want it?", without any intention to take me down.

With this key, I soon found the core treasure:

"If you really want it, prepare yourself well because it shall come. But if you eventually don't want it, don't waste your time 'inviting' it!"

I contemplated, I decided: "I want it!". But imagining my self really plunge into the situation made me think that one practical yet formidable weapon could come in handy. So next time, I'll investigate with a well-loaded revolver ready in my hand.

Ennea-cats, 5|7...

Tragedi Memori di Panggung Dentuman Besar

[tanggal asli penulisan: 2008.02.29.Vendredi]

Katanya setiap orang memilikinya: sifat lupa.

“Lupa. Maklum, manusia.”

“Ia sudah lupa daratan!”

Apa yang dimaksud dengan lupa dalam konteks ini?

Kalau “lupa” ini dikotak-kotakkan jadi dua macam kelupaan, akan didapati jenis lupa yang sengaja dan tidak disengaja. So, arahnya jelas: yang “disengaja”, atau dengan kata lain masih dibawah kontrol kesadaran biasa disebut “khilaf”. Yang tidak disengaja, ya... yang biasa disebut dengan “lupa” itu sendiri.

Lho... kalau melihat dari pernyataan ini, “lupa” sepertinya memiliki hubungan analogis (atau malah sinonim??) dengan “kesalahan”! [Kesalahan: disengaja/tidak disengaja]

Eh? Tapi kalau orang yang “lupa” belum tentu bisa disebut “salah” kan?

Hahaha... pusing.

Bukankah lebih baik membicarakan “ingatan” daripada “lupa”? ...he? Hehehe...Lucunya, dua-duanya sama-sama masalah INGATAN!

Pusing lagi.

Hmmmhh.... apa yang bisa membuat seorang A ingat suatu kejadian, dan seorang B tidak mengingat suatu kejadian yang sama?

Jawaban yang berkali-kali kudengar dan kubaca adalah:

Keterlibatan emosi. Stimulus yang menarik (ada ‘keterikatan’ emosi, baik terpaksa/tidak) akan memicu seluruh indra dan hard disk tubuh ini untuk bekerja keras merekam momennya.

Hah! Sepertinya buatku TIDAK cukup!!

Berkali-kali tertindas, tertikam, terhempas... hingga “terangkat ke langit” dan tercerahkan... tapi tak satu memori pun yang bertahan menghadapi “Sang Labirin”.

Dimensi demi dimensi memang termanifestasi... tapi semua harus dimulai dari NOL BESAR!! Ketika sebuah bangunan agung terwujud mantap, saat itu pula ia harus dihancurkan. Satu batu-bata terakhir menjadi penanda keruntuhannya, sekaligus lahirnya bangunan baru. Tapi kuakui, bangunan yang baru memang selalu LEBIH BAIK yang sebelumnya.

[Contoh karya mahasiswa FSRD-ITB, Nirmana 3D]

Sama persis seperti konsep Nirmana 3D. Semua bermula dari elemen, modul. Sedikit ‘pelipatan’ akan berdampak pada seluruh struktur, sesederhana apa pun itu. Perubahan tingkat dari satu dimensi ke dimensi labirin lainnya bagaikan semesta yang mencapai titik kulminasi keseimbangannya, tapi lalu mengerut, runtuh, seluruh entitas materinya, kemudian lahir kembali dengan struktur dan sistem yang berbeda di setiap elemennya. Ya. Dentuman Besar.